Recent Worries

Akhir-akhir ini lagi sering mikir. Why life is not that fair? Bad people can enjoy life with so much happiness, but good people always have to face any other problem. Well, I’m not sure whether I’m a good person or not, but one thing for sure, I always try my hardest to be one. At least, I tried to do good things. Tapi, banyak banget orang sekitar yang ngeremehin, atau ngetreat saya seolah-olah saya orang yang pathetic. Banyak juga orang yang malah nyakitin saya, orang yang awalnya paling saya percaya, ujung-ujungnya stabbed your back at the time you never expect it. Saya jujur juga gabisa marah atau kesel terlalu lama sama orang, walaupun orang tersebut bener-bener nyakitin saya. When people hurts me, or says anything that hurts me, I can’t do anything and just smile or laugh at it. Gatau kenapa, udah kayak personal nature aja. Tapi biasanya sampe rumah, saya nangis sesenggukan karena sedih banget (contoh : calls me fat–do they know I’m trying my a** off to lose my weight, reducing my meal portion, go exercising and everything else, until I get this severe gastritis? And yet, they mocked me as if I’m not even trying; ugly–even uglier than my exs’ current gf and so on). Bukan mau sok tegar, tapi saya juga gatau kenapa saya gabisa marah di depan mereka. And useless too, the more I think. But yeah, then some people tell me that I’m fake. I don’t even want to argue.

Dan saya juga orang yang gampang milih untuk ngalah. But again, kekurangan ini yang bikin saya makin gampang dimanfaatin dan disakitin orang. Pernah dulu khilaf sempet mikir apa sekalian aja jadi bad person, well at least, by not considering other people, your life become so much easier, right? But I think, Allah loves me too much. Selalu gabisa berbuat jahat, but instead, I will be in my room, locked the door, crying, and blame myself about how stupid I am and how cruel people are. And also, pleading to Allah, to hug me (I know it’s a bit strange), make my pain go away and make me stronger for myself and my family. Am I doing the right thing? Or should I just start fighting for myself?

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